


Read the Terms and Conditions Next Time

by buttercupsanddandelions



Series: Witcher One-Shots [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25214425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttercupsanddandelions/pseuds/buttercupsanddandelions
Summary: In every relationship there is a contract. It doesn’t have to be written or spoken it could just be known and if you break the rules of the contract well there are consequences.So when Jaskier tells Geralt to, “Lawyer up bitch,” it’s not out of malice it’s because Geralt has fucking broken one of those unsaid rules.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: Witcher One-Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893364
Comments: 19
Kudos: 281





	Read the Terms and Conditions Next Time

**Author's Note:**

> Was this written in the span of 2 hours? Yes.
> 
> Did I proofread it? No
> 
> Anyways here's some fluff.

In every relationship there is a contract. It doesn’t have to be written or spoken it could just be known and if you break the rules of the contract well there are consequences.

So when Jaskier tells Geralt to, “Lawyer up bitch,” it’s not out of malice it’s because Geralt has fucking broken one of those unsaid rules.

The rule in question? 

Geralt is in charge of removing creepy-crawlies from the house. They don’t need to be killed because Melitele knows they are important to the environment. Jaskier just prefers for them to never be in his visible vicinity. 

And yet when he wakes up at 3 in the morning as most people are wont to do he notices something crawling on the ceiling above their bed.

It’s a spider of course.

Rationally Jaskier knows it can’t hurt him, that it’s just there because it’s summer and that’s when the flies and ants come out to wreak havoc in their kitchen and on some occasions their bathroom. He knows that they’re there to do their part in the cycle of life but try telling Jaskier’s brain that.

It’s stupid, so fucking stupid that a spider smaller than the ring shape he can make by touching his thumb to his forefinger can make his heart feel like it’s gonna leap out of his chest.

He smacks around the other side of the bed to see if Geralt’s there. He isn’t, the man always has the worst timing.

Geralt’s spot still feels warm so he couldn’t have been gone for long. 

Jaskier turns his head to check if there’s lights coming from the bathroom but all he sees is a whole lot of nothing. He quickly turns his head back to the ceiling idly watching the spider crawl.

It sends shivers up his spine. Ridiculous, who thought of giving arachnids eight legs anyway?

He wants to cry maybe? Or yell for help or something. Where the fuck is Geralt when you need him. 

You date a man who is always getting himself involved in everyone's problems but the minute you need him he disappears.

What a typical man.

Jaskier slowly sits up carefully keeping eye contact with the spider and runs for the lightswitch which really is his first mistake because as soon as the light turns on the spider scrambles and falls to the bed.

Ok, yup, that’s it, that’s when Jaskier screams.

And that’s when Geralt finally shows up opening the door with such force that the doorknob might have stuck itself into the wall.

Geralt carefully surveys the room and when he finds nothing but a terrified boyfriend he asks, “Jaskier? What happened?”

Jaskier who has had his soul scared out of his body twice within seconds of each other collapses onto Geralt’s broad shoulder, “You asshole, fucking dickhead, where the hell were you?”

Geralt carefully gathers Jaskier to him and nuzzles into his forehead, “Getting you a glass of water, you kept coughing in your sleep.”

Oh.

“Oh. Well that was sweet of you you big brute.” Jaskier smacks at his shoulder and then secretly, discreetly, with as much stealth as possible tries to climb onto Geralt’s back.

Geralt allows it because well he did hear Jaskier scream and it sent awful things to his brain he doesn’t even know what it was that made him scream like that.

“You wanna tell me why I needed to barge in here like the kool-aid man spidermonkey?” Jaskier has made some decent success in climbing onto his back and while he’s not a small man he is a comforting weight that Geralt is content to bear.

“First of all never make jokes again because we both know I’m the funny one here,” Geralt nods and Jaskier tugs on his ear to make him stop, “Second of all you better lawyer up bitch.”

And ok that one sends Geralt’s head reeling just a bit, “Is it illegal for me to try to make you laugh?”

Jaskier pouts, “No keep doing that,” he pats his head, “you’re cute when you try, like a puppy doing tricks for its master.” And with that Jaskier is almost sent to the floor but his grip is fierce.

“Jask, you gotta tell me what happened if you want me to fix it.”

A mumbled, “Spider,” makes Geralt sigh. He knows this about Jaskier he does, but sometimes it’s a little ridiculous that something so small can send Jaskier into a big panic.

“And where did the spider go Jaskier?” He pats Jaskier’s back to encourage him to give an answer that he doesn’t have to strain his ears to hear.

It doesn’t work, all Jaskier does is point at their bed with it’s crumpled comforter and pillows tossed everywhere.

No signs of a spider anywhere.

Fuck.

“Well that seems like a job for morning Geralt.” Geralt mutters to himself and tightens his hold on Jaskier’s legs that are wrapped around his waist in the not-sexy way. “Looks like we’re camping out in the living room.”

He can feel Jaskiers pout, not physically, but he just knows it's there, “Can you at least grab my lute? I don’t want to leave her here with that foul beastie.”

The things he does for love.

Geralt grabs the lute out of its precious spot on the clothing chair that no longer has clothing on it and continues his trek to the living room.

He plops Jaskier down on the sofa and grabs the glass of water he left in the kitchen and takes it back to the living room.

“You didn’t get me a glass? Rude man, illegal, expect another lawsuit asshole.” Jaskier spouts with a slight grin to his face, good, Geralt never wants to hear him so scared again.

He moves to take a sip of it but Jaskier makes grabby hands, and Geralt did grab the glass for him anyways so he makes a big show of giving it to Jaskier to drink.

When Jaskier is done with half of the glass Geralt takes it back from him to put it on the coffee table, “So what are the crimes I’m being charged with? I feel like I’m supposed to know this before I ‘lawyer up.’”

Jaskier takes Geralt's hands in his and tugs enough to get him to sit on the couch, “You broke the terms of our contract and thus I need to take legal action.” 

The sterility of the words are in direct contrast to the way Jaskier cuddles up to Geralt.

“We have a contract? Funny I don’t remember signing any binding documents. Did you forge my signature you little shit.” Geralt pulls on Jaskier’s waist to get him onto his lap.

Jaskier’s laughter is a symphony to his ears, but Geralt will never tell him that, at least not now. 

“Geralt Roger Eric du Haute-Bellegarde, you beautiful bastard, your signature is so stupidly long I can’t even comprehend the thought of forging. Why do you even use your full name in your signature?”

“Because it’s too long no one would even think of forging it, why else?”

“Evil, evil bad man, your punishment is a thousand kisses.” Jaskier has already started kissing the parts of Geralt he can reach.

“Oh no I need to call my lawyer.” Geralt’s no nonsense tone sends Jaskier into a fit of giggles.

The kisses slowly stop as sleep grabs at Jaskier and he yawns, “I think I’m just gonna sleep here.” He pushes at Geralt until they’re sideways and he’s perched comfortably on Geralt’s chest, “Comfy.” He pats at his breastbone and places his head down.

All is quiet and Jaskier thinks Geralt has fallen asleep as well until he says into the dead of night, “Sure hope that spider doesn’t make it out of the room.”

Jaskier groans, “You motherfucker I hate you so much.” He pinches at Geralt’s side but he doesn’t react so what’s even the point.

“Love you too Jask, now sleep.” Geralt’s arms entwine around Jaskier and give the slightest squeeze. 

Jaskier huffs, “Love you dumbass.” 

They fall asleep and if Geralt wakes up first to remove the spider from the premises, well Jaskier doesn’t need to know that quite yet.

He still needs to find a lawyer after all.


End file.
